Decided to go see a psychiatrist. My symptoms are worsening. Nervous system stuck on 6th gear. Electric shocks at night, non-stop intrusive thoughts and dreams, bouncing off debiliatating anxiety multiple times a day. I'm so tired of this existence, everything I read online says It's textbook childhood trauma. Yes my childhood was difficult and traumatic but I thought I can just ignore it and live in the moment. I wanted to be able to just decide to feel better. I really did, I really tried again and again...

Doing a test kitchen night. Going to stay up and try to develop a decent gluten free dairy free pie crust. Wish me luck!

Adobe's prices have gone absolutely ****** mental.

They want $40/Month for the most basic photography plan.

I just need photoshop, what do I do? I'd pay something reasonable, but come on. They have completely lost it.

No long term goals, no grandiose projects. I've decided to focus on just being. Not going to be building the next big thing, not going to be developing a 2 year long puzzle game. I'll try to enjoy the moment as much as I possibly can. I'll cook good food, watch a movie with the wife, play some video games. Heck maybe I'll go fishing when it gets colder. I think my nervous system needs a break.

Love you all ♥

After my existential post yesterday (thank you to everybody who shared advice), I woke up with the same emptiness and nothing to do. I've decided to code a bit today, continue a project I've neglected.

For some reason there is a sentence that comes to mind, something like "enjoyment of an activity only comes after the initial novelty fades." Not the exact words, not sure where I've heard it or in what context, but I'll stick to it.

Regarding me...

Not to bum anyone out or anything, but what do you do if no matter what you do, all you end up with is feeling empty? Whether it's art, cooking, coding, writing, whatever it is that I do, all I end up with after the fact is a deep sense of emptiness. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm not, labels mean very little either way. What should I do? What is there left to do?

Ever since I've decided to let go of my own internal expectations, I've been drawing for 12 hours a day. I've been enjoying it very much, I still remember how to sketch even after over a year without touching a pen. My trusty Cintiq is fun to use, I do late night sessions with good music and a light drink. My mind is not healthy, but the weight of my own expectations is gone. I'm having fun.

Today I've decided I'm not mentally stable enough to have ambitions.

I've been trying to do this and that for almost a decade now. I decide, plan, waste money, prepare. I go above and beyond to try and feel fulfilled, to try and "fulfill my potential." Then a mental episode hits, I shut off, and after building myself back up just enough to live, I default back to drawing. It's the only thing that turns my brain off.

I'm letting go of expectations, of trying to better myself, of trying to stabilize. I'm...

Let's bring back the minidisc for its retro-futuristic aesthetic.

We should strive to be happy, even if our baseline is that of sadness, anger or hate.

Radical unconditional love to all, that is the only way.