Trigger warning: mental health

Decided to go see a psychiatrist. My symptoms are worsening. Nervous system stuck on 6th gear. Electric shocks at night, non-stop intrusive thoughts and dreams, bouncing off debiliatating anxiety multiple times a day. I'm so tired of this existence, everything I read online says It's textbook childhood trauma. Yes my childhood was difficult and traumatic but I thought I can just ignore it and live in the moment. I wanted to be able to just decide to feel better. I really did, I really tried again and again and again to just try and be happy and positive. But symptoms are getting worse! Why does this feel like defeat? I've been off meds for years... But I just want to enjoy the blessings I have.

I also want to go get diagnosed for autism, I've been suspicious for years... I feel like I've lost some battle or something. Sorry for a depressing post folks, I'll be alright.