Today I've decided I'm not mentally stable enough to have ambitions.

I've been trying to do this and that for almost a decade now. I decide, plan, waste money, prepare. I go above and beyond to try and feel fulfilled, to try and "fulfill my potential." Then a mental episode hits, I shut off, and after building myself back up just enough to live, I default back to drawing. It's the only thing that turns my brain off.

I'm letting go of expectations, of trying to better myself, of trying to stabilize. I'm not stable enough for anything special. A tough pill to swallow, but I haven't been stable for many years now.

I haven't given up, there are no concerning white flags here. Despite the difficulties I absolutely love life and want to live until I'm old and wrinkly, and even then God will have to convince me to go. But I am tired of feeling disappointed in myself, tired of frantically crawling through the metaphorical mud every time my brain loses it's shit. Tired of empty attempts to try and "do something", to try and feel fulfilled. I'm done, I resist nothing.

Thank God, the universe and all of existence for being capable of holding a job, which allows me to pay rent and put food on the table for my family. Other than that, I'll be drawing characters in my room for 12 hours a day (or writing the occasional cyberspace post).

Love you all ♥