Do I deserve to be loved?

I can feel nice people answering "Yes, Val, you deserve, as every living person", and probably there is some truth behind this, but my reality feels a lot more elusive for me.

First, what I deserve and what I get are so far apart that the first practically loses all meaning. So, even though I might reason that the answer is "yes", deep down my body feels and knows that it is "no". Thinking "I deserve being loved" occupies <1% of my time. Feeling not is a continuous process.

Second, I have a deep learned instinct about being trans, and that's about feeling inferior, unworthy, shameful and those kind of things. Sometimes I can feel that's not true, but only for short time periods.

Third, and this is my fault... I can't respect enough any "candidate". You know, it's not like I could easily find people who considers a relationship with a trans person, so my experiences are related with people I date through internet applications. Nineteen per cent are not interesting enough for a conversation, and nineteen per cent of the ones that are, are also very boring, and empty. That leaves <1 interesting persons.

This is not about being trans, it's about being me; I'm a cyberpunk warrior, proficient with different weapons, I drive a jeep, wrote books, created videogames, I've done a lot of different things, and can't get engaged with boring conversations about politics, the contents of a TV show, or a typical job problem.

Summarizing... I believe I don't deserve. And I feel I'm loosing something important and human, but anyway... It looks like I can't do anything, and life is hard enough to be complaining.

I don't need love to walk through hell.