It got worse

About a month ago I wrote about being stuck. Turns out stuck was the optimistic version.

Now I'm tired in a way sleep doesn't fix. No energy for music, mentally or physically. I snap at people over nothing. The old anger is back, the kind that once made me punch one of my best friends, and I'm ashamed of it. Little things that used to feel good just make me irritable.

I give great advice: enjoy the small stuff, let it go. I just can't take it myself.

Also, this past week I've been drinking more. That scares me. I've watched people in my family go down that road, so I know exactly where it leads and why it's not worth it. The irony is I don't even have the energy to drink with friends. It's just me, alone, trying to turn the volume down.

The only thing that calms me down is screaming Rage Against the Machine on a stage I don't have. I do it in my daydreams, and it soothes and crushes me at the same time.

Long walks help too. I walk for hours, replaying everything in my head until it goes quiet. But when it does, and I've run through everything that's happened lately, my mind drifts to something scarier. I just don't see a future.

The last track that hit me hardest lately is "Don't Preach To Me" by The Skallywags. Both the mood and the lyrics

If you've climbed out of this, tell me what helped.