Brain School day 11

Haven't blogged about my time in therapy cause I'm hitting a routine. I'm about halfway through the PHP side of the program, and about a quarter to a fifth of the way through the entire thing.

Today's lesson was on Interpersonal Effectiveness. When we communicate for a purpose, how do we do so effectively? How do I make my voice heard? How do I make my wants and needs known? Obviously this isn't about defending myself from an abuser, nor is it about making fart jokes with my buddies. In a high stakes, low distress discussion, I was taught to remember DEAR MAN. Shitty acronym, but still.

Describe the situation, make sure everyone is on the same page. Be objective.

Express my feelings. Be honest and thorough.

Assert myself. State my need, make my request. Be direct. Focus on "I" statements. Don't say "you should," say "I want."

Reinforce by acknowledging the positives of getting it, or the negatives of not getting it.

These are not "how to get exactly what you want", they are "how to ask for something fully and authentically. DEAR tells what to communicate. MAN tells how to say it.

Mindful headspace. Don't let the conversation spin away. Keep on track, and be aware of the other party's feelings.

Appear confident. Whether that looks like eye contact, upright posture, or just avoiding soft language like "it'd be cool if-".

Negotiate. Be aware the other person is going to have their own opinions, feelings, needs, and wants. Be open to compromise. Be understanding, while also working to be understood.

I liked this lesson a lot. I'm a people-pleaser, and hate feeling like a burden (which is basically always). I am finding some of my favorite sessions tend to be the ones about communication. We even wrote little scripts for the things we could use this on in our lives.

I have a friend I want to talk to. I want to share my feelings, and I want to learn theirs. I'm going to workshop this script, and hope the right time arises to bring it up.