i think i might spend a bit more time here. i'm a headcase with avoidant personality disorder and borderline personality disorder and bipolar ii disorder (along with a new ADHD diagnosis) and i recently disabled my Discord account and deactivated my Meta accounts after having a little bit of a meltdown after:

• a new close friend moved away (i mean good for her, Ohio is not for trans people) and then insulted my hometown of Dayton (honestly i just can't forgive that very easily, Dayton's not perfect, but there's a lot of heart and soul here, and this is where my very blood was made),
• my amazing and wonderful MIL died - she's who i got my new name from (she was the least prejudiced person i've ever known, just a beautiful and tragic woman cut down much too early), and
• i met some really cool local Discord folks at the local goth night and then got super into running and hiding and blacking myself out, because i'm so devastatingly embarrassed to be me, and because there's no way i'm gonna remember the names and faces of five people i've only interacted with via Discord.

i'm also pretty freaked out about the fact that i'm 54 and my looks are definitely starting to fade. i've always looked well below my age from about 30 through 50, and now that i'm transgender and finally losing weight and getting closer to the body i've always wanted, i'm not gonna look very good anymore, starting really soon. (it's weird, i've never been devastatingly ugly, but the past few years since i've started transitioning i've never looked better, and i keep getting better despite getting older - it's just that my age is beginning to be a good bit more noticeable now.) i guess part of what bums me out is that (my wife and i have an understanding) i'm not gonna get any dick if i keep aging out of the fuck pool. (i'm a virgin with guys, and yeah way too shy to find a hookup or a fwb.)

so i'm in a pretty dark era rn and absolutely sinking emotionally.

anyway i'm still on Bluesky and a few Mastodon instances, but those places feel like humongous public squares and i don't really connect with anyone there. Thankfully there are cool little retro web niches like here. i'm just hoping to be able to make connection here; maybe even a good friend or two. other than my wife, i really have nobody else now.