Mental Health Professionals, HPPD, Schizoaffective Disorder with Bipolar and Ghosting.

I developed type 1 symptoms of HPPD when I was 17.
This is a loose time line of what that was like with mental health professionals.

It started with a persistent delusion of a holographic suit under my skin that covered my whole body and eyeballs that was given to me by the CIA without my consent within LSD in something remotely related to MKultra.
This persisted after my "experience" had come to an end.
The hallucinations were pretty vivid, I felt it, i rationalised it and it made perfect sense to me. I felt very frustrated when i tried to explain this to people and they wouldn't get what i was trying to describe.

But after the first time I realised this was not real, I was upset. I thought it was so cool and I really enjoyed it... But since that moment I was always able to discern between true reality and my hallucinations.

After a while I noticed that if I was getting particularly stressed I would have it identified by my hallucinations coming back. At this point of my life I didn't much acknowledge my anxiety nor was be able to detect myself getting stressed. So not only would I see something that would be playful or beautiful, but if I did then it meant I had something in my life that was worrying me.

As adulthood came and the world got more difficult to keep up with I decided to seek help from a psychologist. This was in 2022 and was very hard to get in to see anyone. But I got someone with Telehealth consultation.

I felt I was not going to hide anything from this psychologist so I told her the whole truth.
I told her everything that I had dealt with, mental symptoms and stressors. What point would I gain if I was to lie, I am seeing this person to get better and so I was honest about where I thought it initiated from. I made it clear that I didn't mind it that much and our events have been happening over a long timeline.

She told me that I have schizoaffective disorder with bipolar disorder. Our session finished.
And then.... nothing? I didn't think they were allowed to ghost patients without communication?

I was waiting for her to get back to me but she just didn't, weeks had turned to a month.
I decide to reach out to her email from the clinics site. She said something along the lines of "oh well I felt that I would not be suited to deal with this situation"
which is understandable, but what you are gonna leave a patient that is so out of control you cant even handle it in the dark?
In what world would that make sense? Just waiting for something worse to happen but it will be "not my problem".

The symptoms subsided down. I decided to intentionally embrace the positive aspects of it and by this time i had a second psychologist. This person really was a good fit and I felt very refreshed after each session.
I was telling him about these techniques i'd developed of manifestation and mental gymnastics, i'd use as a frameworks that made me feel happy and like I was growing into my self while walking a path that was destined for me (and I had magic powers.)

I wanted him to talk me out of this train of thought because I could recognise that it wasn't rational thinking. But he didn't, he told me that it sounded healthy and while it wasn't real it was working and I wasn't lost in it.

He left to a different state of the country with his husband. He was so awesome, but I felt fixed when our sessions came to a close. Its been 10 months since I have seen a psychologist.
I saw a psychiatrist earlier this year in april and the conversation went well and the notes this psychiatrist wrote were very kind almost. (without trying but I must have presented well)

Now this week Thursday I will be seeing a psychologist again, this person will be new.
I am excited. A little nervous, Lately overthinking has been getting in the way of a couple things I have wanted to get done. Battles of passions fading because they are over worked and my rest time is not fully restful. Or because my downtime is too non stimulating and the range is either all or nothing.

Whatever this all is, I know what I feel good about if I do, I am just to exhausted to do these things, or I'm lazy or im tired, I could be traumatised by incidents of my past and I definitely am overwhelmed by stressors I am currently experiencing.
All this said, I am quiet satisfied with my life if I'm really quite honest, When I really zoom into aspects theres more to be desired, but things are going really good for me and I have been really lucky with everything I have had.

Wrote this out as a draft for my medical anthropology weekly discussion with the topic being schizophrenia and bpd. But this just subjective so I'll have to make it more academic when I submit it. Still felt like sharing <33 Thanks for making it this far.