I'm hopelessly not in love. I really want to have a crush, but for some reason I can't. I went through a breakup right after joining Cyberspace. It was a solid 14 month relationship, pretty long for a highschool relationship, but it didn't hit as much as I expected. I don't know when I moved on, but it was a pretty short amount of time. I started to feel bad about moving on too soon, but I realized nothing good would come out of dwelling on the past. Since then, I haven't really had the time or energy for a relationship. I've been flirted with a bit, but I don't really feel like pursuing anything, at least until a month ago, when I started considering dating someone again.

Now, I'm not the most externally emotive person, but internally I do feel lots, which is why I'm concerned how mentally dry I've been. In the past I've suffered from not being able to get emotion out, but these days I can do everything but acknowledge my own feelings. It's easier for me to vent to the netizens of Cyberspace than to think about what I'm writing. All that has made me do everything I can think of to try to denumb myself. I haven't really figured anything out, and I've continued missing school because of it. I've also tried to quit pushing myself (ridiculous goals, crazy projects, overachieving, etc.), but I've only been able to stop obsessing about my grades (a feat in itself). I don't really know what to do, or even what the problem is, but something feels off, and where some hopeless crush usually sits, nothing lies.

I really want to go to a prom-esque event, which is right before my birthday too (don't get me started on how worried I am I'll be like this on my birthday), and while I could absolutely go alone, I know damn well that I'll be brooding about the fun I coulda been having with someone else. I've considered asking someone platonically, and that seems like what I'll do, but it just doesn't feel right to me somehow. Sadly this is one of those posts where I have no idea what to do, so I'll be sure to update you on how this all turns out, but in the meantime have a song that's keeping me sane.