In this entry, I’m going to briefly answer a question I was asked privately. The topic is personal identity.

I suppose it’s hard to know "who we are". After all, it’s one of those great questions of human thought that branches out endlessly in fascinating ways, leading to a wealth of enriching insights. However, I am someone who has to make decisions, so I need a practical answer, something that allows me to develop methodologies to apply to my life. I need a quick answer to establish as a working premise, even if the level of certainty is little more than a conjecture.

This is something I’ve genuinely needed, as I’ve gone through many phases in my life where I’ve faced significant resistance because I am not (or have chosen not to be) someone who fits the standard stereotypes of modern society. To confront such adversity, I need a methodology, and to develop that, I need a definition.

My functional definition is that we are what we do. Some people believe we are who we are due to genetics or spirituality (our true "self"), while sellers of self-help courses and books try to foster change based on that very idea ("be the best version of yourself"). I, however, truly believe that we are constantly changing beings; the actions we take not only define how others perceive us but also more or less rapidly shape the transformation that leads us to our next phase of identity.

In other words, no matter how often we tell ourselves we are wonderful people, if our day-to-day job involves carrying out executions, not even the most dissociated personality could prevent that reality from seeping into their identity and influencing their future path, even if they eventually change professions. It is a very extreme example, but the principle applies to everything we do -from practicing a sport or leisure activity to working in a profession- and it is the main reason why I could not remain working at a big corporation.

It is important to note that this definition requires engaging in an activity consistently over time, such that it impacts our personality. An action taken due to specific circumstances at a given moment might not permanently alter who I am, but if I repeat it long enough, it will eventually shape me. No one is impervious to what happens to them.

I believe this is what currently allows me to say that I am -in no particular order- a writer, a fencer, a trans woman, and a runner concerned with her health, sleep, and diet. In the past, I was a caregiver when needed, as well as a skater and a problem-solver. I am moving away from being a programmer. As for being a "family person" -if I ever was one- it seems unlikely I will be again.

Thus, my functional definition (we are what we do) establishes a clear, precise methodology for action: to shape an identity that aligns with our desires, we must engage in consistent, repetitive activities that steer us in the right direction. And really, that is all I would have to say. Or it would be, but there are constant obstacles standing in our way.

Lack of definition and personal drift

Often, we do not consciously steer ourselves toward a specific path; instead, we follow a personal drift entirely conditioned by our environment and by many elements left to chance.

Consider the life of a typical contemporary Spaniard: they will go through the standard secondary education system, which offers little relevant content and provides little sense of definition. They might pursue a university degree or start working at a young age, but they will begin to drift personally, often with very few moments where they actually make a decisive choice. If they become part of a family unit with whom share mortgage debt, their future chances for maneuver will be even more limited, and their opportunities to make changes to what they do and who they are will vanish.

Many people can spend their entire lives this way, and they are fine. I do not think that has ever been the case for me.

For someone who does not align with this kind of lifestyle, problems arise quickly. I do not wish to justify behaviors that shy away from commitment or trigger a midlife crisis; rather, I want to construct a response -a methodology- to prevent people who are not suited to such projects (like myself) from ending up hurting others.

The only upside of all this is that those of us who are out of sync with this lifestyle realize we don't fit into it. In other words, while it is very hard to know what you want to become, it is far easier to identify and define what you don't want to be, and, following my working premise, to avoid activities that would turn us into exactly that.

We all carry significant baggage from our past activities; the older or more experienced we are, the harder it becomes to analyze how that past influences our current identity and actions. Escaping these patterns requires a process of personal deconstruction, a difficult experience that I myself still grapple with, given my own gender identity. Younger people have it easier here, not because they lack experience, but because the very idea of ​​deconstructing oneself wasn't part of the prevailing ethics a few years ago, when such an approach was often dismissed as a sign of weakness, disloyalty, or a lack of commitment.

In this regard, I believe having the right friends is a huge advantage. Yes, we are what we do, but "tell me who you hang out with, and I’ll tell you who you are." Many of the opportunities I’ve had came from associating with people whose actions enriched me, even if it was just through the right kind of conversation.

Failure

One challenge in establishing a lasting identity is that it requires a certain level of success, not just enough to survive and secure the necessary resources, but also enough to fit reasonably well into one's personal concept of leisure.

Failure can be devastating if it prevents us from continuing the activity that shapes our personality, especially if we surround ourselves with people who also place great importance on the link between success and failure.

I did a great deal of deconstructive work to detach myself from society's definition of failure and to establish a much more individual, personal definition of success, one I had never before put into words. I’ll quote a friend of mine who is reasonably successful in a social sense, yet perhaps feels somewhat frustrated on a personal level:

"Organizing a thing to a small group of loyal people, where you do what’s fun for you and for others, without overthinking it, simply enjoying the company and the activity itself. That is success."

In any case, I believe it is crucial to clearly distinguish between global, group, and personal successes.

Physical and mental limitations

No matter how fast a donkey runs, it will never become a spirited steed. We do not all possess the same inherent capabilities, but that cannot serve as an excuse to justify ourselves. In this regard, we tend to fall prey to a cognitive bias, justifying our actions based on what we can or cannot do, which is, in truth, a matter of comparison with others.

However, there are extremes that are genuinely limiting, usually linked to illnesses or congenital conditions, and that is a bad deal by itself.

Conditions related to neurodivergence are also extremely complex. Naturally, these must be managed as effectively as possible so we don’t turn into a hanging gourd, shifting direction with every change in the wind.

Social resistance

Society imposes a very specific roadmap on us. While we can make certain choices -what we study, the work we do, our leisure activities, or where we go on vacation- we are constantly pressured to make these moves within acceptable timeframes regarding what we "should" have achieved at various stages of our lives.

As soon as we move far from the path of family life and docile consumerism, social mechanisms -embodied by family and friends- will likely try to steer us back onto the "proven" path.

What we do shapes us, and the people we live with shape us. Sometimes we need to deconstruct our beliefs, and sometimes we need to change the company we keep. At the very least, we must stand our ground with a certain firmness, without being assholes.

Socioeconomic circumstances

I would be a hypocritical, bitchy idiot if I didn't point out that the vast majority of humanity doesn't even have the chance to make decisions about their identity, because they cannot pause for even a single day of their lives; instead, they must constantly be active, generating resources simply to stay alive.

Even in cases far removed from such extreme poverty, our individual circumstances condition us in ways that don't always allow us to take the actions we might wish to. Cunning can give us some room to maneuver, but no amount of clever maneuvering -no matter how imaginative-will buy us enough time.

The twisting path

As I navigated the process of gender transition, I discovered a path filled with twists and turns, swamps, hills, and cliffs. I could choose whether to swim across a cove or scale a precipice, yet I never knew what lay beyond each option until I had actually traversed it.

It is an extreme example since gender transition leaves little room for half measures, but life is not truly so different: our ability to foresee what we will encounter when taking action is limited, as we cannot conduct an accurate analysis until the moment arrives.

If we are defined by our actions, then we cannot fully analyze our situation at any given moment; instead, we must simply go with the flow, sometimes moving gracefully and steadily, other times backtracking to where we started, perhaps perceiving it as yet another failure.

I don't believe we can ever find a fixed definition of who we are one that endures the passage of time and the shifting circumstances of life, nor do I feel such a thing is even desirable. In my view, radically changing our lives every ten or twenty years can prevent us from stagnating in a comfort zone, a state that, for me at least, would be both frustrating and incredibly dull.