More than just dancing

I remember when I started my transition journey, I loved going out dancing. It was practically the only thing I did, because I was absolutely terrified of doing anything else, like getting gas or buying bread.

It's amazing how much progress you can make when you just do things. Now, not only can I get gas or buy bread as Valeria, but I've even managed to buy a house and the subsequent renovations, among many other things... like going out dancing. I still really enjoy dancing; it's something I discovered during my transition, and I do it a few times a month.

It's something that feels great. It involves a very pleasant flow where information enters through my ears and translates into movement that combines with that of other people. They influence me, I influence them, and everything that comes out of that release of energy is positive for me.

But although, I insist, I still enjoy it, it's not exactly the same anymore. It's simply not something so novel for me anymore, and I no longer feel like I'm breaking down barriers that were limiting me, so the experience, while immensely fun, has become more commonplace. Well, there are very special moments when I dance with people I connect with really well, who are wearing amazing outfits, the right song comes on, and everything disappears except the present... and it's as good as fighting. I imagine sex can be something like that for those of you who enjoy it.

But I think it could be better. I don't know, maybe I'm a bit conditioned by the prefabricated scenes in American movies, by the pretentious music videos of modern bands, or by live performances of artists who have a commanding stage presence, and I want to be in one of those unsurpassed expressions of passionate, instantaneous, spontaneous, and unrepeatable creativity, like one of those sand mandalas, destined to exist for a very short time in the physical world, but to have a profound impact on the people who were part of their existence.

I've been to various nightlife events almost every weekend for the past four years, and I've rarely seen anything that comes close to a moment like this. Most of the time, there isn't even a real attempt; the experience is limited to the standardized stuff that goes well with watered drinks, so that in the end we simply spend some of our money, as if that's what we have to settle for simply because it works in a stable way.

Occasionally, some organizers try to be a bit more original. I get the feeling that some are limited in the resources they can dedicate to creating something special, while others seem to have a desire to transgress beyond the conventional, but I don't think they have any idea how to translate this energy into something special, and I don't think they manage to define that empty transgression enough for their gestures to move beyond basic sexual objectification. And certainly, they don't invite me to participate or pull me out of my lament for the past or my fear of the future.

I don't think it's impossible. Our own imagination should lead us to expressions characteristic of our personality, but even observing events elsewhere, or those belonging to film or literary fiction, offers a basic framework upon which to build or deconstruct, giving rise to something that deviates from what is already more than tamed, explored, and experienced.

Perhaps it's my fault because I don't do drugs or drink alcohol, but I'm also not someone who can access the things that seem fundamental in most people's lives, like romantic love, children, a stable job, or a functional or dysfunctional family. I can't even say I know what it's like to enjoy eating.

I don't know, I don't think I'm asking for the moon. It has to be possible.