a wired thing

when i first had the thought that i wanted to kill myself it was a shock.

i remember vividly, i sat bolt upright in bed. i thought, i think i even said out loud although i was by myself; "what?"

i didnt want to kill my self. I knew i didnt. I had no plan to. i loved life. but i had that thougth, or that thought had me, or that thougt was implated in me, or that thought implanted its self in me. but it wasn't me, because i don't

i was confused, horrified even. it was like a foreign body that was asserting its self into my consouse field, the words "I want to kill my self", and my volitional inner voice reacted like a good immune system should, recognising as such. as a foreign body. but it was not one that i could expell

later, perhaps a few months later, it would happen ~50 times a day. that i would have this thought. I downloaded a clicker app on my phone to count the number of times it would happen, i think 45 was the number on the random day i counted.

the sentence "i want to kill my self" would be accompanied by a physical feeling too. sometimes like a gut punch. other tiems juts like a winse.

once in the shower, i think the warm water sets it off, i remmember it happenning again and again and again and again. rapid fire. it felt like i was being repeatedly stabed in the gut. like how you hear on the news "stabed 17 times" and you think, how can you even stab someone 17 times.

the words sometimes also came with a visual of me jumping infront of a train, or a building, or the kenetic feeling that i would shoot myself or stab myself or something. just a flash.

i think there was some nural circit made in which causing or revealing that gut-puch feeling reafirmed the circit, so then it was a natural process of finding the thoughts that would most efectivly produce that feeling, bypassing my volitional mind.

that was a tough time i suppose. but it got better. I used the universities mental health support after brakign down infront of my firends. i found it hard to talk about. I mannaged to tell the treeargeing nurse by writing down a script and reading it verbatum, but after a few meetings i was rooted to a more regular therapist. i didnt really managed to connect with her. i have a reletivly solid capacity to intellectualize and theirfore protect myself from any introspective questioning.

the worced of it did lift, although it came and went in waves. by the time of the pandemic it was an annoyance. "i want to kill my self" visual of puting a gun in my mouth, * eye roll * don't think twice. just background noise.

But i developed a nasty habbit of exsternalising my internal dialog thoughts. i never really saw a problem with talking to myself but when i accidently said that i want to kill myself in perhaps (not sure) in ear shot of my dad, i decided that it might cause a problem.

(by the way i never told my parents about this, i told my friends once and my girlfriend (now wife) and some therapists, and now cyberspace ig)

so i decided that i would displace the phrase "i want to kill myself", which at this point was a tick, with something completly innocuose.

I want to kill my self

1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 7 8 9 10

I would just count, when i thoguht the phrase i would count outlound. and it worked.

within a few weeks i was just thinking over the top 123456 78910 (i would finish counting just because)

those attacks would be like

123456

123456

123456

1234567910

12345678910

maybe like a thought suppression technique

just a tick to releave anxiety, and people can hear me count, they think I'm wired but they are not thinking that i might be a danger to myself. this and i cant belive this is true but it is, is one of the biggest achivements in my life, that i was able to make this transmutation.

I still think it sometimes, and its strange how normal it is for me now though.