This is a part 2, I guess.

We finished work, and the girl, myself, and a regular (another coworker's brother, also a distant cousin of mine) was chilling outside the cafe- well... the outdoor/parking seats area where we were safe from the rain. Told a couple Jokes, had a few conversations, but there was a lot of moments of silence too. Not awkward silence, though; confortable silence.

We laughed, We pondered, and we relaxed, all 3 of us. She gave me the deets of her driving instructor. Necessary :D Eventually, it was time to go home, and the two asked me who should take me home. The rain had stopped, but they insisted, so I put it down to a coin flip. The girl said tails, and it landed on tails, but then she said "nah, Andreas is taking you home HAHA!"

Verdict of this whole situation, The real winner was me, for I got to sit in an expensive ass Mercedes-Benz instead of a Boring ass Mazda Demio (⌐■_■). (Andreas laughed at that comment lmao.)

Jokes aside, The over-ambitious coworkers have trapped the thought of "Is there anything between her and I?" and I know it's a dumb, and needless -- perhaps even fragile thought to have, so I will not indulge. I think in 10 days she's quitting(???) (idk something is happening in 10 days.) Definitely for the better. But this whole thought process had gotten me thinking about my love life, the past, the present, and the future.

The past:
I've been an idiot. Walking into things blind to what they truly are. Adventurous, but also cliche, and overenthusiastic. Eventually I gave up, but then again fell headfirst into the same dumb fantasies. I've always been a loyal person, even to my friends. I've tried hookups and, though fun, it wasn't enough for me. I needed more. It didn't fill up that void people often talk about.

The present: Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of not being enough -- or having too much Baggage. My life, it's forced me to leave friends behind, and family. Does any person, let alone a 19 year old girl, need that in their life? I'm not afraid of dating because of this or that reason that most think; I'm afraid of dating because I hate my life. I hate everything that led up to his moment. The nightmares, the death, the constant travelling (though tbf, I kinda enjoy that part, in a bitter sweet sense.) If I hate it, why should I invite someone I care for into my world of suffering?

The future: Is this it? Am I done? Is any relationship I get into from here on out forfeit? A pretend game that everything is gonna be alright, but not really? Am I so mentally and physically fucked that I'm never gonna feel safe enough to love anymore? I know I crave love, I've got so much to give, but... idk Love's been very drim like since my last relationship.