I feel so disconnected from humanity. I grew up isolated and abused in a "homeschool" environment with parents who didn't love me and siblings who are just as fucked up as I am. I escaped and spent (and am still spending) years building a proper sense of how to be a human adult. I've done pretty well for myself. I can hold a conversation and make eye contact without having a panic attack or overthinking every minutiae of the interaction in retrospect. I got my anger issues under control. I've even been promoted to a management position at my job. I've come so far, and yet I feel so far away.

I still struggle to make friends. There's always been this lingering feeling of being an outsider and I feel like everyone else can see that I'm an outsider too. I never went to school, never played sports, never had friends over for my birthday parties, I never went trick or treating, I never had a high school crush. I could go on and on. Socializing is a very mentally taxing endeavor for me, as an awkward dork doing my best human impression. I also feel like I have to tiptoe around my past to keep pretending I'm normal like everyone else, and my reluctance to open up about some basic stuff gives off the impression of a cold shoulder. I just don't know what to do.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to befriend me, I don't feel I'm entitled to people's friendship or anything weird like that. I know that I'm the problem. I'm just so exhausted from trying to fix it and I think it's a fruitless effort. So, I retreat back to my backwater internet forums to shout into the void and talk with my internet friends behind a veil of anonymity.