Something weird happened to me

Journal

Entry Three

HOLY SHIT....

In my last post, I said that I was going to try taking a psychoactive substance before going to work. I'm here to report back.

I had eaten a good amount of Amanita gummies before my shift. I wasn't nervous about appearing under the influence of something because I barely interact with anyone anyway. I've always been sort of a nervous guy, so I didn't think me acting a little strange would surprise anyone. And I was right, because no one suspected that I might be on shrooms.

The purpose of using this drug at work wasn't just to mess around and see what I could get away with; I was trying to induce a hypnagogic state.
I have been thinking about this for a while now. The work I do is a little hypnotic in nature. When you think about hypnosis, you imagine someone waving their pocket watch back and forth in your face. I believe the same thing happens when I'm forced to keep all my attention on the rhythmic movements of my hands with the assembly line. The problem is that I'm forced to stay conscious enough to actually do the work. I hypothesized that, with the aid of psychedelics, I could bypass the need to stay fully conscious while working. To achieve this would take a lot of practice, though.

But last night I had a SUPER strange experience, and maybe it's nothing. You tell me.

I took the gummies in my car and went in at about 10 pm, and didn't feel anything until around midnight.

At first, the sensation was a welcome distraction from the arduous, mind-numbing work. I felt like my whole body was buzzing, like there were bees under my skin. I also felt slightly nauseous, which could be due to my low vitamin intake.

In the first couple of hours of my shift, I am still very aware of my body. When I can fully retreat into my mind and go on autopilot, I call this "entering the magic circle".

At the peak of the effects of the drug, I was fully in the magic circle. And speaking of magic, I decided to do a ritual to enhance my psychic energy.

I don't want to spend too long explaining the ritual; it was the Kabbalistic cross. I would inhale deeply and, with each breath, imagine I was growing larger and larger. This involves visualizing the physical sensation of being so large that you tower over the world, the universe, and then the white nothingness outside of the universe. After that, you imagine that there is a light which shines brighter than anything else above you, and you are reaching out to it. That is where you imagine that you've anchored yourself to the source of everything. Some would call this the Neo-Platonic "Nous". The point of this is to strengthen your energy. Just like I anticipated, the dreamlike quality of the Amanita aided me immensely in this endeavour.

I began to feel rooted in my body, but it was as if my body was made of a subconscious cloud. I didn't have to tell myself to move; I was moving like a ghost repeating its last moments ad infinitum. When you perform magic, you want to forget about language. Magic is a symbolic visual thing. I was starting to become a puppet to the abstract visuals flooding my brain.

That is when my inner eye took over. But unlike my calculated bodily movements, the images I saw were not by choice. I don't know how to explain it, but it was like I was a frequency caught on the wrong channel. It didn't feel like my subconscious was projecting itself to me, but that something foreign had crawled into my head.

I was standing on the edge of a forest. Fog was spreading through its trees like milk soaking into tea. It was dark, and the eyes of many pale birches were fixed upon me. I was not in charge of my proverbial "feet"; they led me into the trees.

This all may sound absurd to you, but I need you to hear this anyway. I've tried to include images that somewhat resemble what I experienced.

After what felt like far too long trudging through the dampened grass and dirt, I came across a lamppost. I found it odd that it was sequestered out here in the woods. Why? There was also a lone moth beating against the spotlight. I don't know what kind. It was an earthy brown.

Still stuck in this strange state, I tried to speak with it.

I don't remember exactly what was said, but this is my best recreation.

"Are you trying to get to the light?"

The moth fluttered its powdery wings and spoke back, but I wasn't shocked; it was like I always knew it would respond to me. The voice made no sound, but I could hear it. Imagine trying to speak in your mind; that is what it was like. Though it was fuller, I felt it speak directly to my essence.

"You've found me." It said, "I don't need to touch the light to be in it; I just need to feel it under my wings."

"That makes sense. Why did I need to find you?"

"I need you to help me with something"

"How?"

It was then that the moth flew off into the darkness, leaving my awareness alone under the lamp.

I looked out into the woods and felt a cold fear wash over me. I saw something standing just outside of the treeline.

It was a girl. I couldn't make out much about her appearance other than that she had very light hair. Her face was covered in shadow, and I remember just staring as hard as I could. But the image was beginning to lose its fidelity. It was starting to look like regular imagination. The detail was being washed away, shaken up like an Etch A Sketch.

My boss gave me the scare of my life; she started singing along to some song in her headphones as loud as she could. It was terrible. She sounded like a cat in heat. She has a terrible habit of this, and everyone likes to make fun of her for it.

I felt instantly sobered for a moment, and my vision got super fuzzy. I was falling behind on my time because I had to take a second to blink rapidly and regain focus. Hands on my knees and panting. But when I opened my eyes and looked up past the machines, into the open warehouse, I saw something. I have never experienced something like this on a psychedelic before.

It was that girl again, and not like a hallucination. It was as if she was screen-burned into my vision. You know when you stare at a light for too long and see phosphenes dancing around the air? It was like that, but instead of nameless shapes, it was the shape of this girl.

That shouldn't have been possible. Was my brain creating imagery so strong that I was convinced I was actually seeing something?

I only saw her there for a couple of seconds before she dissipated like an apparition.

Seeing this thing pulled right out of my head and standing in front of me, even if it was artificial, shook me. I can't get it out of my head. I don't know why.

I know this should deter me from doing something so stupid again, but I'm certain now I'm doing this right. I don't know what my psyche is up to. I feel there is something it wants to tell me. I'm not sure what to make of this just yet. I need more time to think.

Feel free to psychoanalyze me if you've read this far.

Has anyone gone through something like this on drugs? Please let me know.

That is all for now. I hope that you will join me on this journey of discovery. I've really got nothing better to do.

-Simon