an atypical vent post

i don’t normally do the vent-posting deal anywhere but i think this place is probably the least likely to end up with it seeming like engagement farming or something? feel free to ignore if you don’t feel like reading this mess.

i feel like i am literally betraying everyone in my life, including myself, for no apparent reason. i can’t afford to move out on my own but i think i’m going to have an aneurysm living with my parents. i can’t maintain a long-distance relationship because of my job, which i have serious regrets about having taken, and it’s hurting someone i’ve cared about for seven years. my college friends have individually reached out to tell me that i’m being a piece of shit in this relationship. and as though i asked for anything else i figured out i’m non-binary. (insert tweet about “but i got a job so idc”) those of you familiar with my area know that this would either get me blackballed from teaching or worse. what’s the point of all this?

idk man. i’m closer to 30 than 20 now and i fear staying the same for the rest of my life. i want to not have to decide between doing something meaningful and actually enjoying being in my body. i don’t want to get to the end and know i’ve been a coward about who i actually am and what i want out of life.