Is My Generation Lost? - Introspection

I’ve lately been having these moments of what I can only think to call melancholy mixed with absolute dread. I was driving today to head to the vape store to pickup some stuff, music blasting. But in that moment I couldn’t enjoy my music, it merely became another noise to attempt to drown out my thoughts. I was thinking about my life up to this point and the so called chapters I have had at 25. And I know, some boomer is gonna say “25 that’s only half buddy” but the only response or question rather I could pose is “Is it a good 25? What comes next?”. I look around and the ideals and remnants of what I’d imagine the American dream to be seem so far off, like looking at the peak of a mountain from its base. I look at houses as if I was a child looking at the newest game console. I’m paying almost a good chunk of paycheck for rent. 1800 for a fucking one bedroom. That’s not including my light bill. And wonder am I doing something wrong in my life? Then my thoughts went to work. I make like 16.25 working in Tech for, what some would honestly say is a good position, but it’s not the best and my fiancée is doordashing so I’ve become the only one with a consistent source of income and the stress of all of it has been exacerbated this week with the idk guilt I guess, I’ve been so stressed last week that I had to leave work early last week and got asked to submit a fucking time off request. In hindsight it was small but I knew that submitting it would limit any time I could take later on to try to have a Vacation, in my foolish anger I wrote how I honestly had felt, and was pretty blunt. Probably too blunt. I was quite unprofessional and luckily nobody has said anything which I appreciate and both loathe. I appreciate it since mentioning it or addressing it like honestly just make me feel lesser as I already feel shame for it. But I also loathe it, of course a corporation like this wouldn’t actually care or seek to help in anyway. And I have to sit and wonder if such a thing in the future will ever exist. I think about the old Google and Tech working rumors. Yanno the ones where the employees had slides instead of stairs and all were paid a livable wage, then I think about all the work I’ve put in to be in tech, especially as a African American man, the hours of studying, constantly having to update my GitHub page, the constant marking of “DO NOT SELF IDENTIFY” and I wonder how such a smart man ended up here. Is this the life my generation will have to succumb to? Is this the life people like me will have to lead? Is my generation lost?

My friend told me something a while back and it brought a tear to me eyes. He said “it’s not embarrassing to dream. It’s embarrassing to not chase them”. And I can only think of “How”? How can people chase a dream when that dream has started to become an exclusivity club. Where the idea of a basic necessity, like a home, becomes a pipe dream for a child? Where the idea of a livable wage and stress isn’t a consistent thought.

Anyway there’s my brutally honest life report. I’m keeping my head up but fuck, it’s hard to not wish for a great reset with how the world is going, personally and globally.